Mind Reader
by Nothing-but-PBandJ
Summary: Johnlock. Mystrade. Onesided Sheriarty. Sherlock drinks a potion that helps him read minds so that he can find out how to get John to like him. But the potion is doing more harm than good. He does NOT want to hear about his brother's love life with Lestrade and he does NOT want to hear anything Moriarty thinks.
1. Chapter 1

Warning: Crack fic because crack.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

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A smile on his beautiful lips as John took a sip of his hot tea. Sherlock observed quietly, making sure not to disturb him. Truthfully, John didn't know that he was being watched. Sherlock often watched him in secret, like when John was in the shower or when John was asleep.

Maybe Sherlock could be a bit obsessive. But he couldn't help it. John was special. And whenever John went out on a date with some pretty woman, Sherlock felt his heart being ripped out of his chest. Sherlock wanted to have John for himself.

So Sherlock came up with a solution to his problem. He invented a potion (thank you Harry Potter) to help him read people's minds. He would read John's mind and see how he could make John like him. Maybe John like redheaded men. Sherlock would gladly dye his hair. Maybe John liked them fat. Sherlock would eat a million cups of ramen if that was the case.

These kinds of secrets Sherlock couldn't figure out on observation alone. So one morning, he drank the potion and went downstairs.

But John wasn't there. On the table there was a note.

_**Sherlock,**_

_**Went out to get milk. See you later.**_

_**-John**_

Dammit. Damn the milk to oblivion. Sherlock had to wait. But he hated waiting, so he grabbed his jacket and set out to find the doctor. It was a bad idea, because the moment he went out onto the busy street, a billion thoughts pounded into his ears. The people around were sure heavy thinkers.

_I love her. _

_What's the name? I can't remember his name. Dammit, what's his name? It's on the tip of my tongue. _

_I wonder if I lost any weight today. _

_Where can I bury the body? _

_I forgot my keys. _

_Omg, my bff is here. Glomp. Rotflmao._

And he thought normal people didn't know how to think. Sherlock groaned. Their thoughts were so loud. He felt like his ears were going to bleed out.

A familiar car pulled up beside him. He groaned again. Whatever the fatso wanted it could wait.

Anthea opened the door, waiting for Sherlock's cooperation.

"Your brother wants to talk to you."

"A case, right?"

"He'll tell you when you get there."

"Well, I'm busy. Tell him to sod off."

_I wish I could tell him to sod off._

Was that Anthea's thought? Sherlock decided that she might not be all bad after all.

"If you don't come now, he'll visit you later. And he'll be so angry with you that he'll show John that home video," warned the woman.

Sherlock stopped cold.

"Which one?"

"The one where you kissed Mycroft on his 11th birthday and asked him to marry you."

Oh for God's sake. Sherlock was 4! Wasn't it normal for young kids to have a crush on their elder siblings? Sherlock was sure Freud had some answer to the reason why that was.

"Fine."

Sherlock got into the car and he was taken to a secret location. The secret location happened to be behind a McDonald's, so Sherlock was sure Mycroft would have a Big Mac there. He always did.

"Good morning, brother," Mycroft greeted when Sherlock hopped out of the car.

The detective trudged reluctantly toward Mycroft.

"What do you want?"

_What I would like is for Gregory to quit being a prideful snod and wear that slutty cat girl custom I got him._

Sherlock practically jumped back in surprise.

"What!"

Mycroft frowned.

"I didn't say anything yet, Sherlock. And why do you always assume that I want something? I may just want to talk to you."

"Yeah right," Sherlock mumbled sarcastically.

"Sherlock, it's almost Mummy's birthday. You know what that means."

"Unfortunately I won't be able to make it."

Mycroft's eyes were hard and his lips were set in a thin line.

"Yes, you will."

"No, I won't."

_If only Gregory wasn't this stubborn too. I want him in that custom! I told him that I would help him with the tail part._

Okay. Okay. Sherlock's going to pretend that he didn't hear that.

"Look, Mycroft. I'm busy right now. I need to talk to John about a few things so if you'll kindly-"

"Ah! Finally going to confess, are you?" Mycroft asked him.

"Confess?"

"Your undying love to John."

Sherlock staggered back, flustered.

"What? No, I-"

"But listen here, young man," Mycroft said in his stern mother-hen voice, "If he accepts and you two decide to snog in bed together, you need to use proper protection."

He was not hearing this. He was not hearing this. Sherlock was so not hearing this.

"Can I go now?" Sherlock asked him.

"When you agree that you're coming to the party, you may leave."

"Come on, Mycroft! I don't have time for this. And neither do you. Don't you have to maintain the country's finances or something like that?"

"I have all the time in the world when it comes to my family, little brother."

"Fine. I'll go."

Mycroft smiled in victory.

_Great, that wasn't so hard. Now to deal with Gregory. How do you get a man in a kitty custom? I tried bribing him but that didn't work. Maybe I can give him some chocolate? Hmm. Chocolate-covered kitty Gregory. I like the sound of that. And when I'm done licking it all off, I'm going to enter my rock hard-_

"Eww eww eww eww eww eww eww eww eww!" Sherlock screamed and ran away for dear life.

Mycroft stared after him, genuinely concerned.

"What in the world is wrong with him?"


	2. Chapter 2

People stared after Sherlock with a strange look on their faces because he was still running and screaming 'eww.' Eventually, he stopped to catch his breath. Right, now to find John.

There were still a lot of people thinking but he was starting to get used to it. As long as he kept his calm he could get through this day without much hassle. The potion was supposed to wear off by the end of the day. He still had time to figure out what John liked in men.

That is _if_ he liked men. Sherlock stopped himself from thinking that. No need to worry about that. He was sure John could like him. And if not, then he would just have to get a sex change. He would make Mycroft pay for the operation since his brother owes him for scarring his life.

"Oh, HIIIIIIIIIII-YA SEXY!" a cheerful voice blurted out.

Sherlock paused when he saw Moriarty rushing toward him. Great. Just great. He did not need this right now.

The Napoleon of crime smiled at him. They were now only a few feet apart from each other. Some people were still walking by but Sherlock tried not to notice their thoughts.

"Jim, I'm not in the mood for your games."

Moriarty mockingly pouted.

_Well, that was rude. And I just wanted to talk to him too. Maybe I should teach him a lesson. I like the thought of naughty Sherlock butt naked as I whip him. And he would enjoy it too. So much so that I would have to give him another punishment. One where I get some jam and stick it inside his-_

"If you'll excuse me," Sherlock told him, making a move to go around the villain.

But Moriarty blocked his path. Sherlock frowned and went the other direction but Moriarty blocked that path too. Moriarty was grinning.

"This is so fun, Sherlock. Dancing with you. But what I would really like to do is go out to eat. Would you like to have breakfast with me, darling?"

"No," Sherlock didn't care how blunt he was.

Moriarty suddenly glared.

"Then maybe I should just have my snipers shoot John."

Sherlock stood frozen. He should have known John would get himself into trouble. He always did.

"If we have breakfast, will you call off your snipers?"

Moriarty smirked.

"Of course, darling. Anything for you. Hold my hand."

Sherlock hesitated before taking the offered hand. Moriarty had a firm grip. Some people stared but Sherlock didn't care what they thought.

_Oh my. I'm finally holding his hand. This is the best day ever. And if I play my cards right, I'll soon have him in my bed. I can see him now, whip marks all over him and a toy inside him. He will be rock hard, begging for me. And I'll give it to him. And then we'll marry and have lots of genius babies._

The detective was doing his best not to react to any of Moriarty's thoughts. Moriarty led him to a small coffee shop that offered half-priced muffins if you came in as a gay couple.

"Let me order for you. Go take a seat. And don't even think about trying to escape, okay?" Moriarty smiled.

He wasn't going to try to escape anyway. Not with John in danger. Why did the doctor get into trouble so much? Moriarty had kidnapped him before and Mycroft had kidnapped him before and the neighbor's four year old kid had kidnapped him before. It was starting to become pathetic.

Moriarty came back with two cups of coffees and a few muffins. He set the breakfast down and took his chair. He delicately sipped at his own cup.

_I wonder if Sherlock likes the thought of oral sex. I do hope so. It would be a shame if he didn't use that hot mouth for more than just deducing. I'm going to get Sherlock in bed if it's the last thing I do._

Sherlock took a bite out of his muffin. Moriarty gave him a very weird stare. Sherlock was about to ask what was wrong when images of him blowing the villain invaded his mind.

The detective panicked a little before he realized that those thoughts weren't his own. They were Jim's. Oh, thank God! If he ever had those kinds of thoughts about Moriarty on his own he would shoot himself in the foot.

Of course, if he shot himself in the foot then Moriarty could capture him easier. So maybe it was better not to go for the foot. Maybe the head? No. Then he would be dead. He could just shoot the wall like he always did. That sounded like a good plan.

"Sherlock? Pay attention to me. Pay attention to MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Jim screamed out the last word so loud that everyone else in the coffee shop glared at the two.

"What the hell is your problem?" Sherlock hissed.

"You were spacing out. I don't want that in our date," explained Jim.

"This isn't a date."

Moriarty had a dangerous look on his face.

"Well then, I guess John can go ahead and get himself shot."

"Alright Alright," Sherlock sighed and mumbled something.

Jim smiled and held up a hand to his ear.

"What was that darling? What did you say?"

Sherlock forced himself to say it again but it still wasn't coherent enough for Jim. The villain was patient.

"Speak up. One more time. What did you say?"

"I said, 'fine, this is a date.'"

Moriarty cackled in evil joy.

"You make me so very happy. So who do you think is more handsome. Me or John?" he asked with a wide smile.

"John," Sherlock said without thinking.

Moriarty's expression crashed. His eyes were now hard and threatening.

"What did you just say?"

"I mean. You are."

Sherlock had to keep calm. Even if Moriarty decided not to call off the snipers after this, he could still save John. Right now he just needed time. Moriarty smiled again.

"Oh thank you, honeypants!"

_Hmm. I'd like to get honey all over those pants. My honey, that is._

Sherlock felt his eye twitch. That was the stupidest thing he had ever heard.


	3. Chapter 3

_I wonder how we're going to make all those babies. I mean, since we're both men and all. I suppose we'll figure out a way. We're both geniuses after all. The babies will be carried by Sherlock, of course. And we'll name one Jimmy Junior and another Katrina. I like the name Katrina. _

Sherlock drank the coffee as fast as he could. No need to listen to this crap any longer than he had to.

"Okay. Can you call off your snipers now?"

Moriarty was pulled out of his thoughts. He looked at his half-eaten muffin.

"But I'm not finished with mine. Let me finish mine first."

"Fine," Sherlock said, sulking.

_He's been acting kind of weird lately. Has Sherlock already figured out my plan? That would be a shame. Maybe I should just ask him to sleep with me. Go ahead 'ol Jimmy. Just say it._

"Hey. Do you want to-" Jim began.

"No," Sherlock cut him off.

"You don't even know what I'm going to say!"

_Or does he? Has he learned how to read minds? That would be so embarrassing, considering I've been thinking about fucking his brains out this past half hour._

Sherlock twiddled his thumbs, feigning innocence.

"Whatever it is, I don't want to do it."

Moriarty's bottom lip puckered out and his eyes grew glossy. Sherlock sighed. Why did his arch nemesis have to be so weird?

_We'll never make babies at this rate. I've got to seduce Sherlock somehow. Let's see. Maybe I can perform my ritual mating dance? I'm sure that will get his attention._

Oh dear Lord, thought Sherlock. Before the detective could stop him, Moriarty hopped out of his seat and pulled out a microphone from nowhere. Everyone was looking at him.

"Er- Jim?" Sherlock began but Moriarty didn't listen.

"If I may have everyone's attention. I am going to show the love of my life why he should pick me and not the smelly doctor. With a song I wrote from the heart."

People applauded him. Sherlock sank into his seat, trying his hardest to become invisible. Moriarty cleared his throat, then he hopped up and down like a rabbit.

"Here we go!"

Someone kill him now.

**"Sherlock. These muffins are not as sweet as you.**

**Capture you with my balls, like you're a Pikachu.**

**Unwrap you like a present, and we'll hump like bunnies.**

**Take off your pants and shirts and sniff at your undies."**

While Moriarty was singing, some guys came up from behind him. Sherlock thought (hopefully) that they were offended and were going to beat Moriarty up. However, to Sherlock's surprise and disgust, they wanted to join in. They sang in unison like groupies.

When this was over, thought Sherlock, he and John were going to have a looooong talk about John getting himself into so much trouble.

**"Baby, forget about him. He's not the one.**

**Besides BDSM with me is a lot more fun.**

**Doctor John Watson. Forget that name too.**

**Like a sci-fi fan, you'll say Doctor who?**

**Forget his face. Forget his curly hair.**

**Forget his teddy bear print, cotton underwear."**

John didn't have curly hair. But he did have teddy bear print underwear. How did Moriarty know about that, though? John didn't show him, did he? The familiar feeling of jealousy ignited inside the detective.

Everyone in the coffee shop seemed to be enjoying Moriarty's performance. Sherlock knew that the general public had no taste in music but this was ridiculous!

**"Forget his teddy bear print, cotton underwear,"** the male groupies echoed.

**"And once he's left your mind completely, come to me.**

**And I'll punish you for being such a cock tease.**

**I'm gonna' fuck you hard, till you're screaming 'yes!'**

**We'll do it all night and leave a hot, sticky mess."**

"OKAY! THAT'S ENOUGH!" Sherlock could take it no more.

He rushed out of the coffee shop. Moriarty followed him, looking genuinely confused.

"Honey, where are you going? I sang that song for you."

Sherlock stopped in the middle of the sidewalk in order to turn around and face his enemy. He took in deep, soothing breaths.

"Can you please call off your snipers?"

_I'll tell Sherlock I'll call off my snipers to make him happy. Then I'll leave him alone for a while. But I'll use that spare key to get into his flat and then I'll make sweet love to him. That sounds like a good plan._

"Spare key? Where did you get a spare key?" Sherlock asked before he could keep his mouth shut.

Moriarty was stunned. For once Sherlock could 'cherish the look of surprise on his face.' But he wasn't doing much cherishing now.

"So it's true. You can read my mind. That's rather...inconvenient."

Sherlock sighed. The truth was out now. No use denying it.

"Yes. So there's no plan you can have that I won't know about. So why don't you leave me alone? And call off the snipers?"

Moriarty was silent, even his thoughts were silent. Sherlock didn't know what the villain was going to do.

All of the sudden, Moriarty grinned like a pervert. That wasn't good, thought Sherlock.

"_Master? May I suck your cock? Baby Sherlock wants some cum," a submissive, slutty Sherlock asked. He was dressed in nothing but a thong._

"_You have to earn it first," Jim told him. Jim was wearing kinky black leather and there was a riding crop in his hand. "Play with yourself and then maybe Baby Sherlock can suck his master's delicious, nutritious cock."_

"_Okay Master. I'll play with myself. I like making you happy. You promise to fuck the hell out of my mouth when I'm done, right?"_

"Stop. Stop stop STOP!" Sherlock cried out, covering his ears in a desperate attempt to get the images out of his head.

"Oh Sherlock," Moriarty cooed, "I don't think you want me to stop. If I can't have you in bed then I'll just have to show you what you're missing. And you can't stop me."

"Sherlock?" a familiar voice called out from behind the troubled hero.


	4. Chapter 4

John was staring at both Jim and Sherlock, trying to put two and two together. Sherlock had finally found him. Now all he had to do was get rid of Moriarty.

Jim glared as John came up closer.

"Can't you see we're on a date?" the villain said.

John's eyes grew wide.

"A date?" he exclaimed.

"Yes. Sherlock and I are on a date."

"No, we're not," Sherlock protested.

Jim huffed in annoyance. Sherlock read John's thoughts.

_Why is Sherlock hanging out with Moriarty? Is there going to be another case soon? I hope Sherlock will let me come along. But wait, I have flute class in an hour. I guess I can just skip it._

John took flute lessons? Now all those times Sherlock thought he heard a dying animal on Baker Street made sense.

"Yes we are. We're in love and we're going to have lots and lots of babies," Jim argued.

"What is it with you and babies? I never want to have children," Sherlock stated.

_He doesn't want children? That's too bad. I want children one day._

That was John's thought. Time to redeem himself and quick. Sherlock put up a false smile and looked at John nervously.

"Unless, of course, I were to have children with an army veteran who was also a doctor who also wears teddy bear undies and lives in the same flat as I do."

John blinked and thought that sounded oddly specific. Sherlock was never good with flirting. Jim glared.

_I'll make you pay attention to me, Sherlock._

The detective withheld a sigh. He braced himself for more perverted fantasies.

"_Master, I'm scared of the dark. Can you sleep with me so I won't be so scared?"_

_Moriarty embraced the naked Sherlock and leaned close to his ear._

"_Don't worry, love," he whispered, "As long as you're mine, no monster will go and eat you up. But you should know that I'm going to have my wicked way with you in bed."_

"Well John, I guess we're done talking with Jim. Time to go," Sherlock wrapped his elbow around John's, his legs ready to sprint out of there.

"Oh no you don't! If you think you're going to run off with John you've got another thing coming! Attack, my snipers," the villain called out.

What was weird was, no one walking around seemed to notice the exchange between the three men. But Sherlock and John clearly noticed the infernal red dots aimed at them.

John cursed under his breath.

"I hope I don't have to wear that bomb suit again," he muttered.

Sherlock saw this as his golden opportunity to act like a savior and get into John's pants. Hopefully, he wouldn't come off too strong.

"Don't worry, John. I, Sherlock Holmes, will protect you from harm!"

"Um...thanks?"

Dammit. It was too strong. Jim's face was red with anger.

"Stop flirting with him. I don't care if you suck at it or not. Flirting is still flirting. You should only flirt with me! John's an idiot. You need an equal for a lover."

_Why does everyone assume we're lovers? I mean, Sherlock's good-looking and everything but we've never dated. I've never had the courage to ask him out. _Thought John.

Sherlock paused. That was the most beautiful thought he read all day.

"_Master," baby slut Sherlock held his blanket tightly, "I'm scared. Protect me with your penis."_

Yes. The most beautiful thought _allllllllll_ day.

"I love him," Sherlock stated.

John's eyes widened for a moment.

"You mean, as a friend, right?"

Sherlock looked at the doctor very seriously. He was happy to see the red on John's cheeks. Aww. How cute. He was blushing.

Oh wait. That was the red dot from the sniper's gun.

E-herm. Well. At least that wouldn't discourage Sherlock. Not after he heard John's thought.

"I...I want to be with you, John. I mean. I want us to date. And stuff. Do you?" the detective asked.

"Okay, that is it. Shoot the doctor so I can take Sherlock as my bride and force him to wear a bikini!" Jim screamed angrily.

No. Sherlock moved to use his body as a shield. No one would take John away from him.

Nothing happened. Jim looked up towards the top of the building where the snipers supposedly were hiding.

"What's going on? Fire and shoot the doctor!"

"Uh...we can't!" a voice shouted back.

Silence. Jim held up a finger to signal John and Sherlock to wait a moment. He glared up at the building.

"What do you mean you can't?" Jim sounded like he was ready to skin someone.

"Well. It's kind of embarrassing but..."

"But?" pressed Jim, "What is this guy talking about Moran?"

"I'd rather not tell you," a different, scruffier voice called out this time.

John and Sherlock stared at the scene very curiously. Moriarty was taking in deep breaths to keep from popping a blood vessel.

"Tell me right now, Moran. Or you'll have to fuck Zack."

"But he smells!"

"Exactly."

"Fine," Moran relented, "The problem is: we forgot to bring our bullets."

Jim paled.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, boss," Moran said.

Sherlock and John snickered. Moran shot them a dirty look.

"How the fuck did you remember to bring your guns but not your bullets!"

"Come on, John," Sherlock whispered to the doctor, "Let's get out of here."

John smiled, "Good idea."

The two left the scene while Moriarty shouted how everyone except him and Sherlock were idiots.

John seemed content to walk in silence but Sherlock was not going to let him get away with that. He casually dug his hands inside his pockets in an attempt to look cool.

"You never answered my question."

The doctor paused and looked at him.

"What?"

"My question, John. I told you that I love you. That I want to be with you. Do you want it too? Please tell me," Sherlock didn't mean to sound like he was begging but he was desperate for an answer.

John was silent for a long while. Sherlock could read his thoughts debating on how to answer.

_I had no idea Sherlock liked me that way. It makes me so happy. I would love to date him. So, what's stopping me from saying yes?_

Yes John, thought Sherlock. What _was_ stopping you?

_I guess I'm afraid. Afraid that if I say yes, our relationship will change. What if we get into a terrible argument and break up? It could never go back to the way it was before that. No, I can't. I have to protect our friendship._

"I'm sorry, Sherlock. But I don't feel that way about you," John looked at him remorsefully.

So they were going to play this game, were they? Sherlock wasn't deterred. He knew how John really felt.

He was going to change John's mind about protecting their friendship. Sherlock was going to be too irresistible to reject for long.

"Alright. I understand," Sherlock said it like it was no big deal.

John was shocked.

"Really? You mean that's it? You're okay with it?"

"Sure. Go get the milk like you promised. I'll head back to the flat. Talk to you later," Sherlock waved him off and walked away.

The detective had an eager grin on his face. He was going to make sure John couldn't resist him. The only thing that could ruin his good mood now was Moriarty. Him or-

He cursed when a black car pulled up close to him and Anthea opened the door.

"He wants to see you again."


	5. Chapter 5

"I told him that I would go to that stupid party," Sherlock complained, "What more does he want from me?"

"I don't know. You'll have to find out when you get to him," Anthea was now engrossed in her phone.

Sherlock sighed. The last thing he needed was for Mycroft to show John that embarrassing home video. If Sherlock wanted to appear cool, slick and sexy, it could not be revealed that he used to have a crush on his older brother.

The detective reluctantly got into the car. He was taken to Mycroft's house. Sherlock didn't like going there because Mycroft would always brag about how much nicer his home was than Sherlock's flat.

Sherlock walked into the building to find Mycroft sitting in an arm chair. Lestrade was there as well, sipping at some tea while sitting very close to Mycroft. The D.I. looked up from his cup and waved at Sherlock.

_I wonder what Mikey's so worried about now? He seemed really determined to see Sherlock. What a worry wort. God, that makes him so incredibly sexy._

No it didn't, thought Sherlock. It made him a nagging old hag. Pay your bills, Sherlock. Eat healthy, Sherlock. Sherlock, don't spend all day masturbating in front of a cage of bees and pretending that they're actually interested in watching you.

Mycroft nagged at him for every little damn thing.

The elder Holmes motioned for Sherlock to take a seat. Sherlock remained standing but Mycroft took no notice.

"Well, Sherlock. I was hoping to talk to you about your behavior earlier," Mycroft explained.

"My behavior? I wasn't aware that I was acting at all inappropriately."

"Well, for starters you ran away screaming 'eww.' You should know that would make me a little worried," Mycroft took a sip of his tea.

_I'm so glad Gregory finally agreed to wear the cat custom. I can't wait until later on tonight. I'm going to bring a whole bottle of chocolate syrup too._

Sherlock's eye twitched. Why did he have to listen to this crap?

At least finding out how John really felt made it all worth it. Just barely made it worth it, though.

Lestrade stared at his lover, then at Sherlock.

"You did? What's wrong?"

Ever since he had gotten together with his brother, Lestrade had been acting almost like a second mother to Sherlock. The detective couldn't stand it. He prayed that they would get a child of their own soon and spend all their time nurturing that instead.

"It's nothing. I just had a bad image in my mind," Sherlock wasn't being completely dishonest.

Mycroft set his cup down on the table next to his chair. He looked disbelievingly at his brother.

"If you're going to lie, at least make it a good one. No, Sherlock. You don't usually run off screaming like that."

Sherlock sighed. He would never get back to John at this rate. He had to make himself irresistible to him.

"Can I go now?" he asked impatiently.

Mycroft frowned at him.

"Would you like some tea?" asked Lestrade.

"No. I want to go," Sherlock told the D.I.

"You'll get to see John again soon," Mycroft said in a reassuring voice, "But I want to know the real reason why you ran off like that. Why you screamed 'eww.'"

"Maybe I took a good look at your face," Sherlock was starting to get really pissed off.

Mycroft forced a smile, as if trying to find the humor in that.

"Something's wrong. And if you won't tell me what it is, then perhaps it's best for you to talk to Dr. Dawkins again," he suggested.

Sherlock felt his heart rise to his throat. Dr. Dawkins? Not him! He made Sherlock talk to a teddy bear and he always wrote notes in that damn notepad of his. Not only that but Dr. Dawkins had some sort of power. Sherlock was sure of it. The psychiatrist always managed to get Sherlock to tell his deepest, darkest secrets.

Then he would reveal them to Mycroft for a nice pay.

The younger Holmes stared disbelievingly at his brother. After all the shit he had to deal with today, this was the last thing that he needed. He turned to Lestrade as his only hope.

"Please tell Mycroft not to hire that guy again. He touches me in inappropriate places!" Sherlock insisted.

"We already found out that wasn't true, Sherlock. Remember? You were just spreading that rumor in order to get out of talking to him," Mycroft informed.

"Okay, fine. It was a lie. But I don't want to talk to him!" Sherlock exclaimed.

"Then start talking to me. Right now," Mycroft crossed his legs and leaned back.

Sherlock inwardly cursed. He tried to think up a good lie but none of them would fool Mycroft. Sherlock sighed.

"I invented a potion, then I drank it-"

"SHERLOCK HOLMES! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THAT?" Mycroft shot out of his seat, his face flushed red in anger.

Lestrade stared at Mycroft with lust-filled eyes.

_Oh, I love it when he's about to pop a blood vessel. He's so overprotective of Sherlock. Damn, he's so hot!_

Oh, come on! Sherlock was downright confused about how anyone could think Mycroft was sexy.

"You told me never to drink a potion that I concocted on a whim," said Sherlock, "I know the rules, Mycroft. But listen-"

"Yes, I did tell you that! And you did it anyway? I have no choice but to punish you!"

_Oh, punish me too, Mikey._

Good God, Lestrade. Sherlock was about to hurl with all these thoughts.

"If you'll just listen. This potion makes me-" but Sherlock couldn't finish.

Mycroft pulled out his cell phone and began typing something. Sherlock felt a chill going down his spine.

"What are you doing?" he asked his brother.

"You know what I'm doing," Mycroft said simply, not looking away from his phone.

Not this! Why did his whole day have to suck? Sherlock's face was white in sheer terror.

"Don't! I won't drink the potion again. I promise!"

"I'll make sure of that," Mycroft held no sympathy in his voice.

Sherlock made a run for it. He barely got out of the house when he was captured in Mycroft's handy-dandy '**Sherlock Net**.'

The detective cursed. Lestrade and Mycroft came up to him. Lestrade looked at his lover.

"Maybe we could let this one slide."

"Yes, Mycroft. Listen to him. Please!" Sherlock cried out.

Mycroft shook his head. He turned around.

"Ah! She's here. Time for your punishment."

If there was one person worse than Dr. Dawkins, it would be-

"Hi, sweetie!"

Mummy Holmes.

Sherlock struggled in his net. Mummy Holmes smiled at her youngest. She pulled out the infernal camera.

"Mycroft sent me a text and told me to get a few pictures of you. I always look forward to adding more to the family album."

This punishment sucked. It wasn't so much the fact that his mother wanted pictures. It was just a few to her meant a million and every picture failed to show that Sherlock was a grown man.

She turned to Mycroft.

"Can I take a few pictures of you too, sweetheart?"

Mycroft suddenly looked at his wrist, even though he wasn't wearing a watch.

"Oh well, I'm afraid I must go do some things with Gregory, Mum. We have to feed our sexy cat some chocolate. Make sure Sherlock doesn't go drinking anymore potions, okay Mum?"

Mummy Holmes frowned at Sherlock.

"That's what you did? Honestly, baby. You know that's dangerous."

_Oh well, _she thought_. At least this means I can get him into those cute little footsie pajamas with the little clouds on them. I'm so happy that Mycroft had some made in Sherlock's size. My son will look so darling in these pictures._

One day. Sherlock thought with gritted teeth One day he was going to get his sweet revenge on his brother.


	6. Chapter 6

Sherlock was let out of the net but he knew better than to run away from his mother. The last time he did that he was three and she found him and severely punished him by making him eat peas. He shivered once he remembered the abuse he had suffered. Those disgusting, disgusting peas.

He was wearing the embarrassing oversized baby pajamas that had feeting. They were kind of comfortable but he wasn't going to admit to that anytime soon. Mummy Holmes smiled as she took her 65th picture. She took a 66th one right after that. Then 67th. 68th. 69th.

"Mummy, can I go now?" Sherlock asked impatiently.

She looked up from her camera.

"But we barely started. I want to get a shot with you and Mr. Fluffs."

Mr Fluffs was a stuffed animal that Sherlock had since he was actually young enough to wear these pajamas. He didn't know what kind of animal it was supposed to be but it was sickenly cute. The eyes were way too big. And why did its fur have to be so soft and cuddly?

Mr Fluffs was laying on the blanket spread out for Sherlock to sit on. Mummy Holmes didn't want him to get his nice pajamas dirty by sitting directly on the grass. But she still really wanted to take pictures outside.

Sherlock sighed. Just humor her for a little bit longer. Just a little bit longer.

He took the doll in his hands and clutched onto it. Mummy Holmes smiled at his cooperation and snapped 45 more pictures.

_He looks so cute. How darling my little man is! I can't believe he's all grown up now. I want to send these pictures to the entire family._

Sherlock sighed. At least it couldn't get any worse.

_Oh. My. God._

Sherlock nearly jumped out of his skin. No. That voice. It couldn't be. Goddamn it!

_So...incredibly...cute!_

Moriarty was only a few feet away, snapping as many photos as he could on his phone. Mummy Holmes didn't notice him, even when Sherlock was staring directly at the criminal with terror in his eyes.

Sherlock was now convinced that some guy upstairs hated him with a passion. How else could he have this many things go wrong in a single day? Mummy Holmes looked up from her camera and finally noticed Moriarty.

_What's that guy doing? Is he taking pictures of my baby boy? Does he think he's cute too?_

"Hello. Who are you?" Mummy Holmes asked Moriarty.

Moriarty stopped short. He stared at the woman before offering a smile.

"Are you his mother?" he asked in a taunting voice.

Mummy Holmes didn't catch the humor in his tone. She smiled.

"Yes. I am. But who are you? Why are you taking pictures of him?"

_He must be the type of man that likes cute things. How sweet. It's hard to find grown men who will admit to that kind of thing._

"I'm his friend," Moriarty said.

"No, we're not!" Sherlock practically yelled, "He's a crazy man who's also my enemy. He's Moriarty!"

"Well how do you do, Moriarty," Mummy Holmes greeted with a smile and a shake of the villain's hand.

Moriarty was caught off guard by her friendliness. She let go of his hand and when she wasn't looking, he put some hand sanitizer on the hand that she touched. Sherlock figured he did that every time he had to touch a woman. He was so gay. But then again, Sherlock was gay too.

Sherlock shuddered when he saw an image of him in the same baby clothes. Only he was kneeling in front of Moriarty with a slutty grin on his face.

"_Master-"_

"STOP IT!" Sherlock screeched, "NO MORE OF THOSE SICK FANTASIES!"

Mummy Holmes was stunned at her son's behavior.

_Why is Sherlock so distress? Does he need a nap?_

Moriarty frowned at the detective.

"How rude. I love showing you those fantasies of mine. Besides, how else am I going to convince you to suck my cock?"

Mummy Holmes paled. Sherlock took a step back. Was his mother going to be sick? And why would Moriarty say something like that in front of her?

The woman glared at the villain.

"You can't say things like that to my baby boy, you creep. You'll damage his innocence!" she was appalled.

Moriarty grinned.

"That's all I've ever wanted to do. Damage his innocence. That or hump the hell out of his innocence."

Moriarty started thinking some explicit sex scenes, causing Sherlock to cringe in disgust. The detective knew what he must do now.

"Mummy," he called to her in a childish tone, "Make the bad man go away. He scares me!"

His plan worked like a charm. Mummy Holmes glared at Moriarty so harshly that the villain took a step back. Sherlock knew from experience how scary she could be when she was mad. Mummy Holmes pulled out a revolver.

"I know exactly what to do with pedophiles like you."

Moriarty ran away in fear and she followed. Sherlock was grateful that he was now alone. He took off the pajamas. Fortunately, he was still wearing his clothes underneath. Now that he was free, he could finally make John love him.

Sherlock raced to his flat. John was still getting the milk. It took him way too long to do that but Sherlock wasn't complaining right now. He had enough time to prepare.

x

Sherlock heard John come inside the building. He smirked as he lied down on the couch, waiting for his friend to notice. It didn't take long.

"Sherlock! Are you high again? Even after I asked you nicely not to do that anymore?"

_What is wrong with him? I'm going to make Sherlock pay for making me worry._

Sherlock smirked to himself. He wasn't really high but he was glad that John fell for it. John placed a hand on his chest, checking the detective's pulse. Sherlock struck just then.

He grabbed the arm that was on his chest. John nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Oh God! Zombie!" he screeched.

Sherlock's happy smile fell. He told John not to watch that scary movie. Now the doctor was talking nonsense.

"John, it's me. I'm not a zombie. And I'm not high. I was just thinking."

John paused. He looked at Sherlock in concern. Sherlock savored his warm eyes that showed so much worry.

"About what?" John asked.

Sherlock smiled. While still pressing John's hand on his chest, Sherlock sat up. He leaned in closer to John. He saw John looking flushed.

_What is Sherlock doing? He's not trying to seduce me, is he? I thought we agreed that I wasn't interested. Why is he looking at me like that? Oh God, his eyes are so beautiful. Why can't my eyes be that beautiful?_

"Your eyes are beautiful, John," Sherlock said.

John nearly jumped out of his skin. He pulled his hand away from Sherlock, causing the detective to frown. John clumsily fell to the ground and landed on his bottom.

Overreacting much? Sherlock loved it when John was shocked.

"Did you...just read my mind?" he asked.

Sherlock smirked and stood up, deliberately towering over his friend.

"I invented a potion that makes me read minds. I've been reading minds all day, John. And I read your thoughts about how you wanted to protect our friendship."

John gulped. He was caught. Sherlock knelt down and leaned his head in. This time John met him halfway and their lips connected.

_God, Sherlock. Lips...so...soft. I really want this. How can Sherlock do these kind of things to me?_

Sherlock pulled away.

"Wait. You read my thoughts all day?" John demanded.

"Only when I was with you. I read other people's thoughts too. I wished that I hadn't though."

"But Sherlock! That's a violation of privacy!" insisted his friend.

"I can tell by your thoughts that you're not really angry," Sherlock smirked again.

John glared but was more embarrassed that anything else. Sherlock savored the blush that crept up on his cheeks.

"Will that potion ever wear off?" John finally asked.

"Yes, thank God," Sherlock sighed, "I couldn't take it if I had to read everyone's boring brains all the time."

John laughed. He grabbed Sherlock's head and pulled him close once more. Sherlock gulped and soon he was the one who was blushing. John was thinking very dirty thoughts. And Sherlock loved every minute of it.


	7. Chapter 7

Sherlock was thinking that he was the one who was going to lead John into his bedroom while John was blushing like a virgin on her honeymoon. But really, the roles were reverse. John had him at an unfair advantage. The doctor was thinking so many hot and sexy thoughts that Sherlock was practically sprinting to his bedroom.

The two men embraced each other and landed on the soft bed. They threw each other's clothing off. Socks, pants, shirts and teddy bear print cotton underwear flew onto the floor. Sherlock took a moment to savor every inch of John's skin. John looked at him with kindly eyes.

Sherlock snuck a kiss and John deepened it. The detective saw images of everything John planned on doing to him in his mind. Sherlock's hard cock rubbed against John's thigh. John toppled over Sherlock and pinched his nipples teasingly. Sherlock's breath caught inside his throat. He closed his eyes and let out an embarrassing moan. It felt much better than when he only saw the fantasies in John's mind.

Sherlock's hand trailed downwards and his finger rubbed the tip of John's cock. It was the doctor's turn to moan. Encouraged, Sherlock brought his lips to John's neck and began sucking. He heard John chuckle.

"Hungry, are you?" he asked.

Not hardly. Sherlock wasn't hungry for anything. Except for John, of course. He pulled away.

"I'm trying to give you a love bite," Sherlock answered before going back to sucking.

John held onto his shoulders while Sherlock tasted his skin. The doctor moaned again.

_Oh, fuck. That feels so good. Sherlock, your mouth feels so good. Ah! Easy. Easy. Not so hard. Oh God. _

Sherlock pulled away to see pink skin. He hoped he wasn't too rough on John. He licked the mark in order to soothe it.

John pulled away and grabbed some lube from his top drawer shelf. Sherlock's heart fluttered when he saw it. John smirked and looked at him.

"Who's going to-"

"I want you inside me," Sherlock answered honestly.

John eagerly dabbed the lube on his hand and asked Sherlock to raise his legs and open his thighs. He got inbetween Sherlock's legs and inserted a finger.

Oh my God, thought Sherlock.

The feeling was intense and all John did was insert one little finger. Sherlock was truthfully a virgin, that woman had been right about that. It stung a little, being stretched out like that. John noted the pained look on his face and paused.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

Sherlock nodded his head vigorously. Even though it hurt, the last thing that he wanted was for John to stop.

"Yes. Please keep going," he begged.

Once he was sure that Sherlock was telling the truth, John inserted another finger and began a scissoring motion. Sherlock's heart was pounding a million miles a second and he had to breathe out his mouth to get enough air. He found himself pounding into John's fingers as John's fingers pounded into him.

John held Sherlock's leg to keep him steady. Sherlock tilted his head to look at his new lover.

"Please just do it."

This caused John to lick his lips.

_I'm going to enter inside you. And if I find out that I'm not hurting you, I'm going to fuck you hard and fast._

"Yes! Do it already," Sherlock moaned impatiently.

"Alright," John agreed.

He pulled out his fingers and edged his manhood gently to Sherlock's entrance. Sherlock took a deep breath and signaled for John to continue. The doctor slowly pushed inside.

It was the most incredible feeling Sherlock had ever experienced and he knew that it was the same for John. The doctor closed his eyes and swore under his breath. John began thrusting in and out.

"Yes. Yes!" Sherlock wanted more.

"Oh, God Sherlock," John breathed, "You're so..."

Both men stopped when the heard someone knocking loudly on John's bedroom door. They froze in their tracks. John pulled away and Sherlock went to dress himself. John did the same. It took them both a little while for them to dress. Mrs. Hudson seemed very patient but what did she want?

At least they assumed it was Mrs. Hudson behind the door. But when they finished dressing and John opened it, Mycroft practically flew inside. Lestrade followed him like a lost puppy. And was that a collar on Lestrade's neck? Sherlock shuddered. He then glared at his older brother.

"What. Do. You. Want?" Sherlock's teeth was clenched in anger.

Mycroft coughed and glared at both John and Sherlock.

"I'm glad I came here just in the nick of time. We didn't forget anything before we decided to make love, did we?" asked the elder Holmes in a nagging tone.

John was so used to him knowing everything that he didn't question it this time. He and Sherlock were still hard and their cocks were pressing up against their pants. Mycroft and Lestrade didn't even notice.

"What are you talking about?" Sherlock demanded.

His older brother sighed and pulled out a condom. Sherlock rolled his eyes.

"For God's sakes, Mycroft," he growled.

John looked incredibly flustered.

"But I...I mean...I don't have anything..."

"That doesn't matter," Mycroft told him, "Safety first. I'm going to forgive you this one time, John. But next time you better be more prepared. The same goes for you Sherlock."

_Man, I'm just standing here watching this. Isn't there anything I can say? Mycroft and I were having so much fun earlier. And we didn't use anything like that. Why is he making them do it? Oh well._

Lestrade's thoughts solidified Sherlock's suspicions that Mycroft didn't practice what he preached. He scowled and snatched the condom from Mycroft's hands.

"We'll use it. Now go."

Mycroft smiled in victory.

"I'm glad that you see things my way. Let's go, Gregory."

"Can you not pull me on the leash in public?" Lestrade asked.

John and Sherlock both covered their ears in disgust.

"Oh come on! Don't talk about your stupid kinks with my brother! Not here at least."

"Sorry," Lestrade apologized sheepishly.

He and Mycroft left, with Mycroft pulling his lover by the leash. Sherlock and John breathed a sigh in relief.

Finally the intruders were gone. John was on Sherlock in a second. Sherlock dropped the condom onto the floor. They were naked once again in a heartbeat. They were in such a hurry that they didn't even go back on the bed. John re-entered Sherlock while the detective was pressed against the wall. Sherlock swore under his breath as John began thrusting inside.

The two men moaned in ecstasy. Sherlock helped John along by pounding against his cock. It was too much for the both of them. John came first, rough and hard. Sherlock soon did the same. His seed came out in thick streams.

_Did you enjoy it?_

"Yes, John. I did," Sherlock sighed happily.

They took a moment to savor the warmth of their bodies pressing against each other. Then they decided to go out to eat. At Fatty-Al's Chinese restaurant.

"Well this is romantic," John muttered sarcastically, once they were seated in the eating establishment.

Sherlock was slurping some of his chow mein. He looked up at John, his face covered in sauce.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

John shuffled in his seat.

"Nothing. I was just hoping our first dinner as lovers would be something...better than Al Fatty's Chinese."

Sherlock smiled.

"So we're official?"

John smiled back. The doctor got a napkin and wiped Sherlock's face with it.

"Yes. And good Lord, I have never seen you eat like this," he exclaimed.

The tender touch was perfection to Sherlock. People were watching them and all were thinking the same thing.

_That is so cute and gay._

Yes. It was cute and gay. But cute and gay was the best combination. Better than cheese and wine. Hell, it was even better than hydrogen and oxygen.

The two men smiled at each other, ignoring the stares from everyone else. Sherlock liked to watch John eat his rice. Maybe he just liked to watch John eat? Or maybe he just liked to watch John period?

Sherlock took another bite of his noodles. Nothing could go wrong right now.

Suddenly, a flurry of clouds approached them fast. It took a second for Sherlock to realize that it was someone running so fast that dust clouds were flying behind him. The detective sucked in a breath when the man stopped in front of their table. The dust clouds stopped in their tracks and it took a minute for them to dissipate.

Moriarty was now standing in front of them. He was carrying a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates. John and Sherlock stared at him incredulously.

The crazy-ass villain turned to Sherlock with a pleading look.

"Wait wait wait! Before you decide to have him-" he began but John interrupted.

"My God, you never give up, do you?" he seemed genuinely impressed. Sherlock didn't understand why though. He didn't think all these efforts to get into his pants was impressive. He thought that this was just getting stupid.

"Leave, Moriarty," growled Sherlock.

The villain practically shoved the flowers in his face. Sherlock had to pull his head away because he couldn't breathe with them shoved up his mouth and nose like that.

"Smell them! They're fresh," Moriarty said.

John's impressed look now turned to one of worry.

_Damn, he's crazy._

You just figured that out now, John? Thought Sherlock.

"Sherlock. We got to get out of here," John whispered to him.

Normally, Sherlock would agree in this situation. But Sherlock wasn't finished eating yet. And how did Moriarty escape his mother? He didn't think that it was possible.

"We're eating, Moriarty. Leave us alone," Sherlock demanded.

"But...but...flowers! I know. I'll sing another song-"

"NO!"

Everyone in the room glared at Sherlock's sudden outburst. John gave him a strange look. Moriarty frowned at John.

"Let's fight for his virginity," he proposed.

"But I already took it," John answered honestly.

The reaction only took a millisecond. Moriarty grabbed John by the throat, his face red with rage.

"Oh, you son of a-"

"Get off of me!" John punched Moriarty in the face. Moriarty staggered back and fell to the floor. John pounced on him and soon it was an all-out cat fight.

Sherlock didn't try to stop it. Not yet. He was still eating. They were still fighting by the time he finished. He stood up cooly.

"Ready to go, John?" he asked.

John and Moriarty were both battered and bruised. Moriarty, however, was more so than John. Sherlock came close and kissed John's bloody nose. It healed like magic.

"Wha-" John couldn't finish.

"I took a healing kiss potion too," Sherlock admitted.

"How many potions did you drink?" John demanded loudly and full of concern.

Moriarty pounced on Sherlock and gave him a deep kiss on the lips. Sherlock's eyes widened as Moriarty's black eye and fractured knee healed completely.

Sherlock shoved him away and began wiping his mouth.

"Yuck!"

Moriarty was grinning in victory.

"I got a kiss from you. I'll leave now."

Thankfully, the villain was true to his word. He was gone in a heartbeat. John glared and captured Sherlock's lips with his own. Sherlock flushed as John pulled away and whispered to him.

"I have my own healing kiss too," said John, "I can heal all trace of Moriarty from you."

Sherlock gulped.

"You know...I think I have some Moriarty disease all over my body. Can you heal that?"

_Yes I can, Sherlock. Yes I can._

* * *

Finally Sherlock gets a break from his rough day. =D


End file.
